In Remembrance

So, when December rolled around I began to brace myself for the inevitable. December 20 would mark the one year anniversary of my losing my grandmother. I just knew that the day would come and I wouldn't be any good. But the day came and went and I was okay.

I think I was partly distracted, as a matter of fact, I know I was distracted by the transit strike. But I think I didn't break down because I have thought about Grams every single day since she passed. I still miss her like crazy. But I know she and Popee are with me everyday watching my every move, making sure I live up to the standard they set for me.

I also knew that I needed to be strong for my mom. She's always hated the holidays. Felt like it was nothing more of a reminder of how much money we don't have. But besides me and my brother my mom always felt like the only family she had were my grandparents. So it hurt to lose Popee in '95 but it was okay because we still had Grams. And nobody thought she would live very long after grandpa died. But Grams was a fighter and she didn't like to be predictable. So she stayed with us for almost 10 years. Stayed so that we as a family would still have some kind of foundation, a common denominator between us.

I miss her a lot. I'm tearing up just typing this entry. She truly was my rock. Everybody said my mother gave birth to me but I was Adeline's child. I hope she's proud of the woman I've become. I know everything I have in life I, in some form or fashion, owe to her. She took care of me even when it seemed I was taking care of her. I have a picture of she and I at my college graduation on my desk at work to remind me of the love we had for one another.

I'll never forget the joy I felt when she trekked out to Long Island for my graduation. By then she had truly become a frail woman. She was no longer walking on her own and didn't like to sit up for too long a period of time. But she made the drive and sat through the ceremony and was there for me because she knew there wasn't anything more I wanted in the entire world that day. She was like that with everybody.

So, I didn't get the opportunity to cry and reflect on December 20. But perhaps I didn't need to. Because she's with me everyday. I hear her faint yet audible humming and I see her dance when no one else is looking. She and I still have inside jokes that no one knows except us.