I'm being tested
It's funny how things happen in your life and you just feel the need to blog about it.
Tonite, Ohio left me a voicemail. Yes the same Ohio who had just flown in and wanted to come over. For me, a voicemail is so much harder to ignore than a text message. Maybe he thinks that I didn't get it. Or maybe he thinks I'm weak enough to forget about the text and allow him back in my life. Maybe I am. That's why on a Saturday night, I'm blogging about him. To try to convince myself that I am not a weak woman. I'm a strong, independent, self-sufficient black woman. I don't need him. But I want him. And that's what's so dangerous about calling him back. He's always known exactly what to say to make me melt. Make me give in to him. There's no future for us. There's also no one in my life that I could turn to in lieu of him. Am I really the kind of woman who needs someone in her life constantly? I don't think so. But I miss companionship. I miss a warm body in my bed. I actually miss the midnight phone calls.
I'm so sick of feeling alone. And it's this kind of feeling that makes me want to pick up the phone and call him. I won't do it tonite. I'd just be playing myself. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow.
I was on IM with NA and I told her that maybe I'd call him tomorrow but I wouldn't be in the house so if he asked to come over, my excuse could easily be that I'm not home. And I wouldn't be.
Why is this so hard? Do I need an Ohio detox program. Why does this man have such a hold over me?
I can't answer it. So I'm going to try to go to sleep. Or I'll do housework until I can't keep my eyes open. And I should probably stop listening to this damn Raheem DeVaughn CD.
Tonite, Ohio left me a voicemail. Yes the same Ohio who had just flown in and wanted to come over. For me, a voicemail is so much harder to ignore than a text message. Maybe he thinks that I didn't get it. Or maybe he thinks I'm weak enough to forget about the text and allow him back in my life. Maybe I am. That's why on a Saturday night, I'm blogging about him. To try to convince myself that I am not a weak woman. I'm a strong, independent, self-sufficient black woman. I don't need him. But I want him. And that's what's so dangerous about calling him back. He's always known exactly what to say to make me melt. Make me give in to him. There's no future for us. There's also no one in my life that I could turn to in lieu of him. Am I really the kind of woman who needs someone in her life constantly? I don't think so. But I miss companionship. I miss a warm body in my bed. I actually miss the midnight phone calls.
I'm so sick of feeling alone. And it's this kind of feeling that makes me want to pick up the phone and call him. I won't do it tonite. I'd just be playing myself. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow.
I was on IM with NA and I told her that maybe I'd call him tomorrow but I wouldn't be in the house so if he asked to come over, my excuse could easily be that I'm not home. And I wouldn't be.
Why is this so hard? Do I need an Ohio detox program. Why does this man have such a hold over me?
I can't answer it. So I'm going to try to go to sleep. Or I'll do housework until I can't keep my eyes open. And I should probably stop listening to this damn Raheem DeVaughn CD.
posted by BabyGirl at
12:48 AM
5 Comments:
It's just one of those things. You aren't weak for wanting the good things you miss back. You're human. But you also know what other crap comes with it. Just keep that in mind before you make that call.
Hi Soror! Max hipped me to your blog page and I had to check it out.
I too am sick of the footprints on my life. I have so many you would think I was one of those mats that serve as a how to for the Fox Trot. It's hard to let go because they did leave a print. The footprints left on us are just like our fingerprints, engrained in us. The great thing is, we can eventually peel these cats away like dead skin. The first layer hurts really really bad and the deeper we go, we bleed, but then healing begins and we become whole again.
Now all of that sounded really good...maybe I'll follow it one day!
I'll be looking forward to reading your blog!!!
Tasha
Max: You only speak the truth. And I appreciate it. I called. But I kept true to me and kept him in his box. And he wasn't allowed over!
Tasha: Hey Soror! I think I might print out your comment a tack it up somewhere. Those there are some provocative words!
Good for you girl! Stay as strong as you can. But if you slip don't beat yourself up too much. Also, yay for greek sisterhood!
Chiming in a little late... hope everything worked out. We always want to be strong enough to impress ourselves - knowing that we are our own greatest critic. It's a daunting task. What helps most is thinking all action through to consequence. Sometimes, that's its own deterrant. Good luck mama!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home