Living the Luxury Brown

I need a change

2009-05-12T16:54:00.005-04:00

Let's see what happens!

All the Rest FALL BEHIND!!!!

2009-02-10T11:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, my Fall 2008 neos made their first presentation to their campus at the ALFSA Open House. To say that I'm so proud of them would be an understatement. The sky's the limit, ladies. Do your thang!

Ee-Yip!

2007-07-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

They always say, be careful what you wish for. You know the adage.

When it's cold, I'm always down at what seems to be a lack of, I don't know, having a life. I go from work to home to work to home to chapter meeting to home to work, repeat cycle. So, now that the summer's here, there just seems to be so much to do, and not enough time, energy or money to do it all.

But I never like to say no. I don't want to miss anything and I don't want to let folks down, so I go. Tired, weary and broke, I go. I enjoy myself, but I'll suffer for it later. I miss the Saturday mornings when I only got up if/when I was hungry. But now, there are things to do, places to be, people to see. I have to set an alarm. ON A SATURDAY!!! That's blasphemous by nature. But I wanted it, I wanted a life. I wanted to be in awe of all the things I have to do. To have to be selective in what I choose to do and what I turn down. A reason to grab my fairly new digital camera and take pics because I can.

But now, I'm tired. And that's not cool. I don't want to be tired. I have a vacation coming in less than 3 weeks. 21 days of not having to set an alarm. Except those day when I have to catch a flight. Because missing a flight, so not cool.

Two weekends left to take care of business before I go. This weekend, hectic. Next weekend, more of the same. No time for me. I never want for me time. Until now. I've got to learn to say no. Otherwise I might yes myself to death, or maybe just the poor house!

BABYGIRL - "DOMESTIC GODDESS"

2007-06-17T20:30:00.001-04:00

Herein lies my first attempt at making fish cakes. So what there are only 3 actual cakes. I'll try again soon. Haven't tasted them yet. Should I be nervous?

UPDATE: They tasted delicious. Gotta try it again soon!!!

2007-05-15T14:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I've been lurking. Just haven't been in the mood to blog much.

Don't feel like a whole lot has changed since I last blogged.

I'm still single.

Still hate my place of employment.

Still single.

But I am 30 now. And while I enjoyed celebrating leaving the 20's behind, it didn't come and go without a little drama. Basically, I never plan anything for my birthday. I figure if I don't plan anything, when folks don't show up I won't be disappointed. But for the last 6 months all I hear is "What are we doing for your birthday?" and "You're turning 30 we've gotta do it up big!". Well, I didn't have do it up big money so I sent out an evite to 40 or so folks inviting them to hang out in the city on a Saturday night. Let's just say, disappointment likes to follow my ass. The irony is I had a ball with the people who came out. But folks I talk to everyday and spend ridiculous amounts of time with reason after reason for not coming through. I was upset. I didn't talk to anybody for a week unless it was about business. Not sure that accomplished a whole lot besides making relationships feel a little awkward. Sometimes, I just feel like people don't take me and my feelings seriously and that really sucks.

But now that it's all said and done, I look forward to what the 30's have in store. Not that my 20's sucked, but I don't feel like my life has progressed much either. Progression is necessary.

Legacy

2007-01-23T13:35:00.000-05:00

First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I've been gone for a minute so I'm not sure anybody still reads this. I didn't want to come back without being able to have a little more positive outlook on life. Reading and writing about the depressing things in my life just got, well, depressing.

But this is what forced me out of hiding! I happened to be surfing, which I rarely do. I usually visit the same 7 or 8 sites and check my email incessantly. But just so you know what "this" is, that would be what used to be my grandparent's house. I was upset when we weren't able to keep it in the family. I couldn't even walk through my old block once I knew the house had been sold. But then I saw this picture. And to see the before and after pic is just jarring. That house, that green house, was, for me, my family's legacy. Every good feeling I had about growing up came from what happened inside that house. My grandparent's legacy has to now live on through my actions because there's nothing physical to go back to. 179 Monroe Street is now nothing more than somebody else's address. A "fedders" house to pack more bodies into. Whoever has the address when all is said and done will never know the meaning it has for me. And I'm just offended by the eyesore that someone's building in the place where my mom grew up and then I turned around and did the same and then 8 years later my mom told me she was going to have another baby, where I developed my grandfather's love for jazz and baseball, where I crashed my wrist through the glass kitchen door the same day I took a Girl Scouts First Aid class and wrapped it up myself while my panicked aunt called 911, where my grandfather bought a sprinkler system so I could where my bikini in the backyard (I was 9!), where I spent many a night in the bedroom upstairs right above my grandparent's and had a bird's eye view of the entire block, where all the men wanted to kick me out of the room because I had too many questions while they were just trying to enjoy a football game, where my cousins came and watched Star Wars and Bruce Lee and Last Dragon day in and day out, where we met my Filipino cousins for the first time but I had to wear a scarf over my mouth because I'd contracted an infection and didn't want to make them sick. The memories are endless. Maybe that's really where the legacy lives. In the good, the bad and all the in between. The house was just a vessel. Right?

Dream a little dream of me...

2006-09-26T17:00:00.000-04:00

Last night I had the oddest little dream. It was about me and my wedding.

Thing was, it wasn't really about me or my wedding. But I was there. In a dress that I couldn't even begin to describe. My bridesmaids, not mine. There were just five chicks running around in black dresses. Black -- so not a part of my ideal wedding color scheme. It seems my wedding was a black and white affair. Yeah, I so didn't vote for that.

Flower girls - two 13-year-old looking girls. Way too old to be my flower girls. What's worst - their attire. These two girls had on crisp white dresses with black opaque stockings. That's a fashion blunder in every day life. In my wedding??? A big no-no. And they had afro puffs. Not like Lady of Rage afro puffs. But whoever they're mama was could've holla'd at a straightening comb. I'm just sayin!

The groom - I couldn't tell ya! I didn't see him, I didn't talk to him. And since I woke up before the ceremony, I don't even know if he could kiss or not.

The only people in attendance who I knew were my godmother, my two godsisters, my godmother's sister and her youngest daughter. No mom, no dad, no brothers, no friends, no sorors. Nobody I would think to invite. And yet the church was filled with people. People I didn't know and people who didn't know me.

I woke up while I was in the bathroom (in the dream!!!). Someone was watching over me like they were afraid I was going to pull a runaway bride or something.

This was a little scary. Then I called Toe who told me she and Antoinette were talking about how when I finally meet Mr. Right, which right now seems like never, that I'll probably end up having a shot gun wedding. Mind you, I was planning on a long engagement since I know I want a big wedding but don't have big money.

I don't want anymore dreams like that. And I can't even blame this on what I ate the night before because I actually skipped dinner. Who knows?

Blah, Blah, Blah

2006-08-17T18:09:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I'm long overdue for a real post. It's coming. In the meantime:

ABC's of boredom

[A is for age:]29

[B is for booze of choice]Amaretto

[C is for car you drive:]Whatever the rental company hands me!

[D is for your dog's name:]Princess (my grandparent's dog when I was growing up)

[E is for essential item you use everyday:] Deodorant

[F is for favourite song at the moment] Do U Wanna - Donell Jones

[G is for favorite board game]Taboo

[H is for Hometown]:BK forever!

[I is for instruments you play:] Flute, piccolo, clarinet, tenor sax, violin and piano (None actively of course)

[J is for favorite juice]: Minute Maid Fruit Punch

[K is for kids]:0

[L is for last hug]Probably my mother

[M is for marriage:] Nope.

[N is for Nickname:] BabyGirl!

[O is for overnight hospital stays:] 1

[P is for phobias:]Flies (yes, those flies)

[Q is for quote:]"Hold it for awhile then let it go, for in freedom there is wonder."--Ed Ford

[R is for biggest regret:]Being afraid to truly enjoy life.

[S is for status:]Super Duper Single.

[T is for time you woke up:] 7:45am

[U is for underwear] The Gap

[V is for vegetables you Love:] Tomatoes (I know, I know, they're really a fruit -- SO WHAT!)

[W is for worst habit:] Being lazy

[X is for x-rays:] only on my teeth

[Y is for year of first kiss:] 1993

[Z is for Zodiac Sign:]Taurus

The Love Experience

2006-06-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

Tuesday night I dragged my cousin out to SOB's to see Raheem Devaughn perform. I really wanted to see him perform and he did not disappoint. A nice hour and a half set. I was on my feet the entire time. Of course, I didn't really have a choice since it was standing room only! But the man put on a show. There wasn't a moment when I was bored or distracted. There were the couple of times that my poor feet got stepped by folks who just can't manage to keep still long enough to enjoy the show. They just had to get a drink and dig their 3 inch heels into my poor big toe. And then there was the chick who wanted to lean against the pole, but there just wasn't enough pole for the both of us. Raheem said to throw my "L" in the air and that chick got thrown a bow in the side instead! (hee!hee!) But I had a ball and made my cousin a fan in the process. She bought his CD that night and we stuck around long enough to get hers (and the one I just happened to have in my CD player) signed. And since his bodyguard damn near knocked me over, I even got a publicity photo out of the deal. So, I'll have to see him perform again and get that signed. Feel "The Love Experience" times two!

And to keep in line with the standing room only concert week, I got passes for my mom and my cousin to see Mary J. Blige perform in Bryant Park. I didn't know my mom really like Mary like that but she was just so excited to be there, to see Mary in the flesh. And seeing my baby 18-month-old cousin getting excited to see "Mawy" made my day.

And Where Have You Been?

2006-06-01T17:04:00.000-04:00

I've been around. Really. I've been more of a lurker. It's been over a month and a half since I've blogged. I just haven't had the mind capacity to put down everything that was going on in the blog. But I'm back. Now, let's see...

I celebrated my 29th birthday!!!

Me and my godsister went to South Beach to celebrate our respective birthdays. We were born a year and a day apart. I'm, of course, the older. We always have a problem because every year we both have something planned the weekend of our birthdays so we never celebrate together. South Beach was cool. It came right on time since I really needed a break. We laid on the beach, we drank mojitos and just chilled. We didn't find any good parties though. One place we went to actually had strippers on the bar. If I had had a couple of drinks, I might have joined them (with all my clothes on, of course) but since we paid freakin 20 bucks to get in, no liquor for me. Now, I'm looking forward to my week in the Hamptons!!

I'm Healthy!

Well mostly. I somehow, in 29 years, never received the do not use Q-tips to clean out your ears memo. Well, I did. And, because these things only seem to happen to me, I managed to push the wax deeper into my eardrum. Which meant I was hearing impaired in my left ear for a day. Not fun. Don't like it. Hated even more having to pay 30 freakin dollars for the doctor to vaccuum out my ear. The Q-tips are so in the garbage. Guess I'll be using bobby pins like my mother.

DFF

Me, T and A went to a party a couple of weeks back to celebrate T's sands getting her PHD. I think since I was so tired (I'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep and volunteered to babysit) I wasn't in as festive mood as I should have been. But whatever. So, toward the end of the evening, me and T started talking to dude D. D was mostly talking to me because we had a lot of stuff in common. I didn't think he was trying to kick it to me and that was okay. But later in the evening, I realized that he was talking to me in order to get closer to T. I wasn't upset that he was trying to get at her. I was upset at how he went about it. Way back, Em had told me about something on Z100 about the Designated Fat Friend. I forgot the details that the deejays went into but that's what I felt like. Don't get me wrong, I know that's not how T views me because we really are true and through friends. But my feelings were really hurt. I felt invisible that night. I was really affected by that. Not quite sure why.

That Damned Scale

It's still laughing at me. But I'm trying to make a change. I started the Special K challenge last week. I was doing okay. But damn those Samoa Girl Scout Cookies. This whole lifestyle change is going to be harder than I thought.

Work

Still hate it!

Love Life

Still non-existent!

So, I'm still here. Even if I'm just lurking.

Let's All Get Paid

2006-04-12T13:40:00.000-04:00

When I was 7 years old, I was hit by a car. Not like a head-on, me flying in the air kind of collision but more like the mirror of the car side-swiped me kind of car accident. When I hit the ground, the first thing I thought was "Oh my God, my mother's gonna wup my ass!" Why?

Well, since my mom had to be to work the same time I had to be to school, she taught me early on how to cross the street on my own. And the one cardinal rule she had was "Cross on the green, not in between!"

People on the sidewalk were yelling for me to stay down. The guy driving the car, who was as in the wrong as I was because he was speeding on the shoulder of the road, came to a halt one block away. All I wanted to do was get up, wipe myself off and get my ass home quick so no one would be the wiser. But the gentleman insisted on making sure I was okay and escorting me home. Which he did. And after making sure I was okay, my grandmother commenced to whipping my tail for "running the light." And I had the fortune of waiting 3-4 hours for my mom to come home and do the same thing.

Now, had I been born in 1987 instead of 1977, my mom would have sued that bastard, we would've got paid, college would be paid for and I'd be on easy street. But back in my day, and mind you I'm only 28, people took responsibility for their actions. And sometimes accidents happen, but money isn't going to make any of those things better.

I say all this because I read in the paper that the grandmother of Nixzmary Brown, the 7 year old child beaten, starved, tortured and eventually killed by her stepfather while her mother stood around and did nothing, is suing the city for $150 million dollars.

What.the.fuck!?!?!?!?

How dare this woman have the audacity to want to blame someone else because she didn't take care to pay attention to what was happening to her own grandchild. This child was neglected and abused for years. And no one in her family stepped up to help her. If you want to start legislation to help protect other abused children because you didn't do what you needed to do to protect your family then so be it. But to request monetary compensation is just reprehensible. And to say it's not about the money is bullshit. All a $150 million dollar judgment does is take money away from the city agencies that need the money to protect those who cannot protect themselves.

*off soapbox*

Random

2006-04-05T12:47:00.000-04:00

At 2 minutes and 3 seconds past 1 o'clock today it will be:

1:02:03 4/5/06 - this won't happen for another hundred years.

You may continue with your day!

FUCK.THE.SCALE.

2006-04-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah I said it. There is a reason why I never put that evil, vile, spawn of the devil device on my housewarming list. I hate it. It is the bane of my existence.

I spent the weekend at my soror's house. She hosted a sleepover for our sorority's club for teenage girls. It was a good time. We watched inappropriate movies, played taboo, found out everyone's dirty little secrets and ate lots of food. A good time was had by all. And then I did it.

Fabulous weekend coming to a close and my eyes focus on that shiny white box on the floor. It's never been my friend. Not since I was encouraged to see a nutritionist at the age of 13. I tried to become friendly with it 5 years ago when I gave Weight Watchers a try. I was actually pretty cool with it. It was the self-pitying, depressing women who's stories I had to listen to for an hour every week that I couldn't stomach. But I had nothing against the scale. It was my friend. Those little numbers went down even when I had a Big Mac instead of a salad at McDonald's or had a soda instead of a Crystal Light. Even if it was the teensiest bit.

But like a spawned lover, the motherfucker turned on me. What happened to the scales where the needle would go around and stop in the general area of what you might possibly weigh. No, they wanna get all high-tech on my ass and weigh me down to the last.motherfucking.ounce. What is an ounce? How heavy is an ounce? Because I have a message for that shiny, white box on the floor of an immaculate and spacious bathroom in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Fuck you and your .2 ounces. It's those other couple hundred pounds I need to worry about.

Marriage Is For White People

2006-03-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

This is what you call that bullshit!

Not that it's untrue, but damn!

I have nothing else to say.

Passion

2006-03-21T16:47:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a passion. Something they absolutely love. If life works the way it should, you find a way to parlay your passion into an opportunity to make a living.

So what's your passion?

Mine is television. I've been obsessed with TV since I was a child. There is never "nothing" on. I can always find something to watch. A reason to not answer the phone. Something to entertain me so I don't have to get out of bed. My passion for television led to my majoring in journalism in college. Hindsight being what it is, I would've majored in television production.

So, now I work in television. Everyday, 8 hours sometimes 10 making sure my pieces are in place so that shows can air properly. But with every passing day I realize that what I do has nothing to do with my passion for my field.

I enjoy watching television. I enjoy a well put together show. I'm obsessed with reality TV. I need to find a way to get someone to pay me to watch TV.

But what if television is something I enjoy but not my true passion. What else am I passionate about. Can you not be passionate about anything at all? I need direction and I'm not quite sure where I'm going to find it. I want to be excited about getting up in the morning and going to work and making television happen. Unfortunately, every morning I dread the idea more and more with a passion. I'm passionate about needing a new job.

I want to stay in television. I want to work where the action is. Truly putting something together. Having my name attached to the fabulousness that just came across the screen of millions of people each day. I want to learn to be more proactive about living my passion - not just passionate about it.

My prudish ways...

2006-03-16T17:50:00.000-05:00

*I wrote this post sometime last week. Couldn't decide if I really wanted to post it. Ah, fuck it. I could always change my mind and delete it, right?!*

It's funny really.

Way back when, when I was still a virgin, I always tried to talk myself out of wanting to have sex. Figured, I couldn't miss what I never had. That was my story and I was sticking to it. Until, one of my bestest friends, also pure at the time, busted my bubble and called me out on that slice of bullshit.

Yeah, you can miss it. Even if you've never had it. You can be curious about it. Wonder what it's like and how you like it. Wonder whether or not you'd actually be good at it. Cuz I can talk shit when I go bowling because I know there's a strike coming eventually. But what if you suck at sex. Can you really come back from that? As if I wasn't self conscious enough.

I say all that to say that now that I have had it, I still miss it. But it's worse now because, fuck, I know the feeling that I'm missing. It's creeping in my dreams and making my days long and my nights longer. I'm having sleepless nights, can't concentrate at work. In a word (or two!): this sucks!

One of my girls would recommend a trip to the village so that I can help myself. I'm still quasi-prudish. Not ready to go there just yet. But dammit, something's gotta give.

2006-02-23T15:12:00.000-05:00

I hate incompetence. Detest it with a passion. I hate even more when people are incompetent and don't own up to that shit. At my place of employment, part of my job is to request cash advances for employees going on location shoots. It used to be a standard amount of money no matter how long the trip. But my boss has recently been changing around the amount of money approved for each employee depending on the trip. So she asked me to supply her with the itinerary of trips.

This is what I sent her:

Travelling to New Orleans 2/27 and return Wednesday 3/1.

Travelling to LA on Thursday 3/2 and return Monday 3/6.

This is what she approved:

Give her 5 days of per diem and $100 in carfare.

For those of us who took elementary math, the days she approved do not add up to the amount of days the employees will be on the trip. So, they call her to complain, which is fine by me because it's not my fight. I input what I'm told. She calls me up to say that she didn't see the first part of the trip and to approve them for more money. I've already put in the cash advance request. So now, I have to do extra work because you're a fuck-up who makes a shitload more money than I do.

Okay, I digress. She just called and admitted to not having read my email in it's entirety. Now let me be the one. Hell would have no fury. Nobody will remember the bullshit I deal with come time for year-end raises though.

The Weekend

2006-02-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's Thursday. And I'm just getting around to blogging about the weekend. It was a good one. Not for any one thing in particular. Just no stress, no bullshit, no unnecessary money spent (okay maybe a little).

Friday night, I went with sorors to Mojito's restaurant. Damn the food, I just wanted my mojito. It was nice to just chill and act a fool with friends. No watching the clock because I have to be somewhere or watching my wallet because I think I can't afford it. Just acting a damn fool and not really giving a shit!

Saturday, I went with Toya to a soror's baby shower. This is not a soror I'm particularly cool with. I met her once at a stepshow. I had nothing to do so I said, what the hell. So I woke up around 11 and went to Target to purchase some pampers as part of the gift we were giving. Sign #1 I am not ready to have kids of my own: I spent damn near 30 minutes in the pamper aisle trying to figure out which was the best set of pampers to give as a gift. I usually just buy cute baby clothes cuz I like to diva-fy a baby nice and early! But after talking to Em, she told me she wished more people had bought diapers since she needed those more than anything else. So, I tried to buy a more practical gift. Damn the diaper aisle to hell! Different sizes, different brands, plus my frugal self was trying to get the best deal possible. (It's now Friday!!!) I eventually settled for Pampers brand size 1 count 116. I think I did good. The shower was fabulous. It was a rare thing that they didn't play a lot of games but there was still fun to be had by all. There was a 50/50 raffle and half the money went into a piggy bank for the baby. It sounds ghetto but it was actually a fabulous idea. They also did a pull names out of the bag kind of game. And then after all the gifts were opened, the mother-to-be unsealed an envelope and revealed the sex of the baby. I think we were more excited than she was because the third game involved guessing the sex, weight and birthdate of the baby. She said it's a girl, I guessed a girl, so I'm still in the running!!!

On Sunday, I woke up with a strange motivation to finally put together my computer station. I bought it at Ikea while I was on vacation way back in November. I think the prospect of putting it together scared me a little. But let me tell you, damnit, I'm a trooper. Some bruised hands but otherwise, I put together the banging computer desk. I'm very proud of myself (like you couldn't tell!!) It actually made my house feel a little more homey! Next up, paint!! Oh yeah, and a little thing called a couch! Then I went to Cam's for her Super Bowl party. A room full of women and I'm the only football fan. Made for an interesting evening. It was a good game and I won 10 bucks, which I need to collect pronto! After the game, we all got caught up in Grey's Anatomy. That's a damn good show. The episode that aired Sunday night should be considered an Emmy-worthy episode. At the very least, I fully expect to see Shonda Rhimes with an Emmy nomination when those awards roll around.

Yeah, it was a good weekend. I wish they all felt like this.

The What Ifs?

2006-02-03T13:50:00.000-05:00

So, (and why do I insist on starting all my posts this way... but I digress) I decided that this was going to be the year that I find a new job and take my career in a new direction. I just have one small problem. I don't know where the direction is.

I've been in the same job for over five years and I'm quickly beginning to become both bored and frustrated which is not a good combination. This was my first job out of college so I think I've always felt a certain loyalty to them for giving me the opportunity. But I'm beginning to realize that here is not where I want to be forever.

I saw a job posting for a position that seemed promising so I figured I'd be proactive and go talk to someone I know at the show where the position is. The conversation certainly didn't go the way I intended. I was basically told that it's an entry-level position which would mean a pay cut. Plus, even though the job was posted WEDNESDAY, HR already has applicants lined up for it. But the guy hiring for the position, who I seem to have a good rapport with, said he'll keep my resume on file and keep his eyes open for me.

Now the what ifs kick in. What if I'd decided sooner that I'd rather work in a studio environment instead of in an office setting. What if when I realized my junior year that being a journalist wasn't the dream job I imagined it would be, I had switched my major to cover more of the technical aspects of television production. What if I'd been more dedicated to learning everything there is to know about production. What if I'd networked a little harder. Self-doubt is really starting to set in and set in hard and I'm becoming more and more frustrated. But I am going to hold steadfast to my goal. I want to try something new while I truly have the opportunity. The only responsibility I have is me. No family, no kids, no husband, no boyfriend. Just rent. And that's always going to be taken care of.

On the flip side, Ohio said I could be his love slave for 40,000 a year, plus benefits. That's not sounding like such a bad option right now. Just not sure where the 40k is gonna come from!

My Mommy Said I'm Not Weird Just Different!

2006-01-19T12:12:00.000-05:00

So TD tagged me and wants to know how weird I am.

Let's see:

I cannot sleep with socks on. I have tried. When the heat isn't pumping in the apartment, I'll put on my hoodie, leggings, sweatpants and socks so I'm extra toasty. But sometime throughout the night, those socks are buried somewhere in the covers! I must however be covered throughout the night, even in the summer. That would be a carry over from my youth when I thought the "Boogie Man" couldn't get me if I was covered from head to toe.
For some odd reason, after I buy a CD, I'll read the jacket and then turn it inside out. Can't explain it. I don't do it for any particular reason, just to be quirky.
I'm internet shy. With a medium where you could be anyone at anytime and still remain anonymous, I'm still not quite ready to put myself out there. I've been on numerous sites, tend to run into some of the same folk but never feel comfortable enough to say "Hey, I remember you from so and so..." for fear that they'll think I'm an internet stalker. Which I'm not, but perception is everything.
When I was younger, I thought everybody danced like the dancers on "Solid Gold." So I would go out and do my high kick and think nothing of it. Until I realized I was the only one. I think that scarred me for life because while I've got rhythm, I don't think I can dance. And now, my Solid Gold high kick can't help me. Try to do that in the club, I might get knocked out.
I only use sandwich spread with my cold cuts and tuna. And only in my house. I'm the only person I know, except my mommy, who uses sandwich spread. People are shocked that I don't use either mayonnaise or mustard. Actually I detest mustard. And I'll only eat mayonnaise if I'm buying a hoagie, which is a rarity nowadays! Someone had the audacity to suggest that I purchase mayonnaise and relish and just mix them together. The nerve. Besides, I tried that when I was younger when my mom didn't have enough money to splurge on sandwich spread. Not quite the same effect!
One for the road! I hate mashed potatoes, oatmeal and grits. As a matter of fact, any white, mushy food makes me ill. Not sure where it came from but just the thought of these make me ill. For that matter, I also detest broccoli and cauliflower. And I hate ricotta cheese on my lasagna.

See, I'm not that weird. Right?

The Countdown Begins!!

2006-01-10T12:59:00.000-05:00

Well, first things first...

HAPPY 2006!!!

Haven't blogged since 2005 so Happy New Year to everybody, well all 3 of you!!! So 2006 is here and it presents 365 - well 355 as of today - days for me to make moves and do bigger and better than '05.

The countdown begins to securing a halfway decent future. I promised myself in the beginning of '05 that by the time I turned 30, I would contribute 10% of my earnings to my 401k. Well in 4 1/2 months, I'll be 29. And I feel like I'm up to my ears in debt. I'm probably better off than a lot of people I know but I just feel like I'm managing to dig myself deeper and deeper and I don't want to be so far in that I can't dig my way back out.

The countdown begins to turning 30. I've got a year and a half to decide how I would like to celebrate what may be a life altering milestone. A party, or a trip or something else that I haven't been able to think of yet. I'll have a little practice as I have less than 5 months to help Toe plan her 30th. I'm not afraid of 30. But I am afraid that once I do turn 30, I'll have less time to do things I didn't get around to when I was 25. And the endless stream of "When are you getting married and having kids?" questions will begin!

The countdown begins to find a new job and truly begin a career. I've been at the same job for over 5 years. A position that my supervisor didn't think I'd keep for more than 3 years. Not because she thought I lacked ability. But my job would be the perfect position to retire in. But as I am at the beginning of what I may be doing for the rest of my life, I'd like to try to spread my wings before it's too late (and make more moolah!!). And besides, with MOL talking about retirement EVERY SINGLE DAY, I've got to get out of here before I feel trapped. She gets to retire in 2 years. That gives one year to break the hell out!

Every year starts a new countdown. My 2006 countdown feels so daunting. There's so much to do and so much to get done. I don't want to get to 2007 and feel like 2006 was a waste. A change must come - inward, outward and everything in between.

In Remembrance

2005-12-27T11:39:00.000-05:00

So, when December rolled around I began to brace myself for the inevitable. December 20 would mark the one year anniversary of my losing my grandmother. I just knew that the day would come and I wouldn't be any good. But the day came and went and I was okay.

I think I was partly distracted, as a matter of fact, I know I was distracted by the transit strike. But I think I didn't break down because I have thought about Grams every single day since she passed. I still miss her like crazy. But I know she and Popee are with me everyday watching my every move, making sure I live up to the standard they set for me.

I also knew that I needed to be strong for my mom. She's always hated the holidays. Felt like it was nothing more of a reminder of how much money we don't have. But besides me and my brother my mom always felt like the only family she had were my grandparents. So it hurt to lose Popee in '95 but it was okay because we still had Grams. And nobody thought she would live very long after grandpa died. But Grams was a fighter and she didn't like to be predictable. So she stayed with us for almost 10 years. Stayed so that we as a family would still have some kind of foundation, a common denominator between us.

I miss her a lot. I'm tearing up just typing this entry. She truly was my rock. Everybody said my mother gave birth to me but I was Adeline's child. I hope she's proud of the woman I've become. I know everything I have in life I, in some form or fashion, owe to her. She took care of me even when it seemed I was taking care of her. I have a picture of she and I at my college graduation on my desk at work to remind me of the love we had for one another.

I'll never forget the joy I felt when she trekked out to Long Island for my graduation. By then she had truly become a frail woman. She was no longer walking on her own and didn't like to sit up for too long a period of time. But she made the drive and sat through the ceremony and was there for me because she knew there wasn't anything more I wanted in the entire world that day. She was like that with everybody.

So, I didn't get the opportunity to cry and reflect on December 20. But perhaps I didn't need to. Because she's with me everyday. I hear her faint yet audible humming and I see her dance when no one else is looking. She and I still have inside jokes that no one knows except us.

The Color of My Heart

2005-12-13T15:06:00.000-05:00

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well.You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return.
Your flirting style: Friendly
Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe
Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish
What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Why Must We Be Cheesy?

2005-12-10T08:04:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. The vacation recap is coming real soon.

But before that....

My first day back at work was my kind of day. I had over 300 emails to sift through before I could do any real work and by then it was time for the company Christmas party.

Just so you know, my company has made it's money and built it's reputation on being cheesy. (No names to protect the innocent - namely me!) But did it really have to carry over into the Christmas party? Last year, the party was at Cipriani's on 42nd Street. Fabulousness was to be had by all. But the DJ equipment sucked and there weren't enough seats so I had an okay time. This year, the party was at Roseland. I definitely called that a downgrade. I get to the party and try to find the 9 people in the company I know. I work in a very small office and all of my contacts are by phone. I don't know what any of them look like. Anyway, I make my way to the middle of the club and realize in lieu of a DJ, my company hired a cheesy ass 70's cover band. Why? 4 white dudes with afros. Tonight is definitely going to call for much liquor.

I did good. I was a little tipsy by the end of the night. But no embarassing moments to think of. Unless you count my putting the dollar bill down the lead singer's pants. But I don't count that. I was provoked and everybody else was drunk too so it's okay. Overall, I had a good time. The food was okay, I actually bonded with some of my co-workers which is interesting considering I've been there over 5 years and I got tipsy. There's always a good time to be had once you're a little tipsy.

Downside: When I'm drunk I get both silly and talkative. This is not a good combination when you're riding home alone on a downtown C train. I think I hid it well. I don't think anybody thought I was crazy. At least I hope not.

Now, when that alarm went off at 6am, I was not a happy camper. But between the golf-sized snowflakes and the fact that my boss had taken the day off, my 8am in time became 8:45. And now, after 3 weeks, I must get back on my daily grind. Oh, and the vacation recap is coming. I promise!!

And one other thing, I was a little depressed to realize that there are no young, attractive, single, black men in my entire company. And my company's is pretty sizeable. Or they're too cool to party with the rest of us. I mean if you've ever been to Roseland you know it's pretty big. The only black men there were from the mailroom, shipping and receiving or IS. Problem is the guys from both the mailroom and shipping and receiving have already tried to holla at me and I wasn't interested. Not necessarily because of where they worked but just as men, they didn't interest me. And the dudes from IS are just straight nerds. There's just no other word to describe the cheesiness emanating off of them. So, my love story will not begin with, "I met your father at the company Christmas party."

The Ultimate Feast...

2005-11-19T09:57:00.000-05:00

So, my plan yesterday had been to go to work and just be there for the 10.5 hours I was required to work before I could be officially on vacation. That didn't quite work out. There was just so much to be done and so much I needed to do and things I didn't want to leave undone. So, alas, I was at work for 12 hours and none of it was spent doing what I wanted to do.

I figured after my rough day and to celebrate the beginning of what I hope to be a glorious and relaxing three weeks, I'd treat myself to Red Lobster. So off I headed to 41st Street to the takeout door to get me some lobster to go with the bottle of wine I planned to devour when I got home. Unfortunately, they only do takeout 11a-7p so at 7:45 I'm just shit out of luck. So home I went, picked up some Chinese takeout (not my first choice after lobster!!!) and I relaxed with my very own bottle of Chardonnay. Nice way to start my vacay!!!

Totally off topic, after reading Max's blog I've decided to least my own personal Ultimate Feast:

1) Maxwell - I've loved this man since 1997. I wasn't an immediate fan. My uncle thought I'd love his CD but I just wasn't smitten. Once I bought it, though, I was hooked. Anywhere he was, I wanted to be. Now if he would just drop a new album before I wear out my second Embrya CD!
2)David Banner - I know, I know. But that mix of thugness with the idea that he's intellectually smarter than me is a huge turn-on! I know, I know.

3)Brad Pitt & Eric Bana - They had to be listed together because I can sit and watch Troy ten times over just to look at the two of them. Bodies just sick...

4)Boris Kodjoe - Ordered Showtime just so I could see him in Soul Food. And I want to hate on Nicole Parker for having him but I just can't do it. But Boris, should you ever get bored with her, call me!

5)Morris Chestnut - The makeup artist who worked on Boyz n the Hood did not do him a bit of justice but I could see past it. Knew he was fine then, definitely know he's fine now!! And if he's really getting a divorce, don't let me see you on the street!

6)Larenz Tate - Love Jones is my favorite movie of all time and he's part of the reason why. Now, true, he only comes up to my nipple, but for him, and just for him, I could look past it.

7)Heath Ledger - Yeah, I said it! They make beautiful men down under. I fell for him in "10 Things I Hate About You" and "The Patriot." Just the accent alone gets me every time.

8)John Corbett & Chris Noth - Chris gets a nod from his Law & Order days, but these 2 guys were the real reason I watched "Sex and the City." Forget them other hussies. Even though, just for the record, I'm a Charlotte with Samantha tendencies!!!

9)Common - His earthiness just does something to me. I could watch "Testify" over and over again!!

That's all I can think of at the moment.

Hopefully I'll be able to blog a litte more while on work hiatus. But I'm also going to try to finally do some work around my place. And get some lobster!

Incessant Ramblings

2005-11-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

This post isn't about anything particular. I just have so much on my mind:

1) I couldn't do it. I knew for months that election day was coming up and I should make a decision between the lesser of two evils. But I just couldn't do it. Don't get it twisted, I went to the polls after another trying day at work. But I just didn't pull the lever for mayor. I guess everybody has what's important to them. For me, it's being able to make some sort of a living in the city of my birth, my childhood, and my early adulthood. I'm a New Yorker for life. I want to be able to live here, perhaps at some point buy a home here, raise my kids here (if I have some), etc. That's what's most important to me. Education and health care and quality of life are all important as well, but what good is it if you can't afford to put a roof over your head. I didn't feel like Ferrer has the mojo to run this city and Bloomberg has widened the gap between the haves and the have nots and as I am clearly fitting in the latter category, he is just not my candidate of choice. So four more years of buying my groceries on credit...

2)I've got to find a new job soon before one of us kills each other. Nuff said!

3)I need to write a stern letter to Kelly Ripa ASAP. On the morning after Rosa Parks' memorial services, I happened to have her show on while I was preparing to go into work. She and Regis were incessantly rambling about hybrid dogs and she made a very unfunny joke about how a friend of her's had named his dog Rosa Barks. Now I don't know if I was more offended because I had watched her service the day before or if it was just a really stupid, useless and insensitive joke.

4) I'm really appreciating the new Floetry album right now. I think it definitely trumps the first album. I see it getting much play in my portable CD player. Cuz thanx to Bloomberg, it's either buy the iPod or pay my rent. The landlord is on the winning side of that debate!

5) My sorority's annual Founder's Day Party is happening this Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. I had much fun last year. I wasn't able to get tipsy as planned cuz I was chosen as the designated driver last year. Not this time. Folks have been put on notice that I plan to be a little tipsy. But then again, the last time I got drunk, I caught a case of loose lips. I'll try to be a happy drunk instead of drowning my sorrows.

6) My mom let it slip the other day that she doesn't think it's in the cards that I'll ever get married. She tried to clean it up but my moms mouth is like Niagara Falls. Every now and then her genes rear their ugly head in my personality too. It's kind of depressing that my mother doesn't think I'll find someone to settle down and make a family with. I'll never tell her how much that comment hurt. Especially considering I have this new found obsession with everything bridal. If I had TiVo, I'd have every episode of Bridezillas on that sucka. Which reminds me, I need to boycott TLC for cancelling/moving/showing less of "A Wedding Story" in order to show countless epidsodes of "A Baby Story."

7) T-minus 12 days (7 working days) until a sista takes a much needed 2 1/2 week vacation from the slave ship. Me and mom, who seems to have pegged me as an old maid already, will be getting pampered up in the Poconos. Massages and facials and mani/pedi's and I can't wait. And outlet shopping!

Ok, I think that's enough random thoughts for today. Tonight it's all about a new episode of Lost. And somebody kicks the bucket. Me and my inquisitive self already knows who. But it should be an interesting episode all the same.

Coward Indeed...

2005-11-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

That young boy hit by the car last week will be laid to rest tomorrow on what should've been his 16th birthday.

This is who may be responsible. Hope he finds his conscience...

What happened to our conscience?

2005-10-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

There's a strange phenomenon happening in New York City that's quite disturbing. I'm not sure if it's happening in other parts of the country but it's a growing problem here. Somehow, it has become commonplace (for lack of a better word) for people to hit someone with their car and then drive away. I don't get it. Perhaps it's because I don't drive everyday but i'm afraid to run over a bird, and I don't even like animals.

A young boy, 15 years old, was hit not once but twice by the same car a block away from his school. How do you put it in your mind to not get out of your car? I know you would be scared, I would be terrified!

Another young boy, 10 I think was hit and killed on a service road in Queens. The driver of the car, in all of his remorse, went home and called his lawyer. He was convicted yesterday to 3 1/2 years in prison. The family of the driver blamed the family of the young boy for the tragedy because he didn't have on a helmet.

I know suffering the consequences of our actions kind of sucks sometimes but really. How does one face themselves in the mirror after causing that kind of destruction. The 15-year-old, last I heard this morning, was declared brain dead. There's a driver of gray/silver Chevy Corsica whose heart should be real heavy right now. But it scares me to think that he/she just doesn't really care at all.

My obsession with TV....Not going anywhere, anytime soon!

2005-10-18T15:21:00.000-04:00

So this weekend I had planned on doing absolutely nothing. I was invited to a housewarming. And I would've loved to have gone but I'm beyond broke. When charging your groceries becomes a way of life, things just ain't right. So if I can't afford groceries, I sure as hell can't afford a housewarming gift. A bottle of wine would've been easy. I could do that. Unfortunately for me, the hostess requested that we bring things for her newly acquired housemate, a cousin relocated after Hurricane Katrina. No way was I getting by bring a bottle of Chardonnay. So I skipped it. Decided I was going to stay home, do a little housework, stay under the covers and just veg (sp?). Well, I got it half right.

After what seemed like a month and a half of rain, the sun came out. And I couldn't go nowhere cuz after Mother Nature tried to drown my ass, she gave me a big old FUCK YOU by sidelining me with a cold. BabyGirl does not do sick well. So in the house I stayed. All weekend. With nothing but my television to keep me company.

We had a ball my television and I. First, Oxygen had a mini Diff'rent World marathon. There's nothing better than a mini Diff'rent World marathon than a full day Diff'rent World marathon. I'll just have to cop the DVD collection after I maybe cop a DVD player!!

But if that wasn't enough, hot damn, I discovered that iO now offers VH1 Soul. Can you say 24/7 videos. I don't watch BET just because they show too many damn videos. But VH1 Soul is different. No rap videos (okay maybe a few). And no repetitiveness, unless you watch all day and discover that it's on an 8 hour loop! But they play my kind of videos. Who knew Mint Condition put out a video for "Whoa!". Certainly not me since I don't watch BET, not like they play Mint Condition videos anymore.

*And totally off topic, who in the hell told the powers that be over at BET that it was a good idea to replace Midnight Love with The Jamie Foxx show. Don't get me wrong, Jamie is funny as all hell but Midnight Love was my video fix.*

But I digress. Where else am I going to get my dose of Maxwell videos until he drops the new CD in February (and he better not push the release date back either, but that's another post!) and see Kindred videos and Floetry videos and Tevin Campbell videos and Chante Moore videos (okay maybe no Chante videos but you get the picture!) I've found a new friend - channel 189. When there's no Law & Order, no Grey's Anatomy, no Desperate Housewives, no Amazing Race, no good HBO Saturday night movie, I've got VH1 Soul.

But I still need TiVo!

101 Things To Do Before You Turn 40!

2005-10-04T07:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I haven't quite hit 30 yet. But this was part of my summer reading that I wanted to share. I've bolded the things I've already done and italicized the things I'd like to do and bold and italicized means I'm working on it. Everything else is up for debate. Oh, and I have time for this because I took my first mental health day ALL.FUCKING.YEAR! I'm such a good worker bee!

1 Quit your book club
2 Bridge the baby chasm
3 Admit to everything
4 Throw an Oscar party (I'd rather a Super Bowl party, but we'll see)
5 Make out with the best man
6 Eat the worm (I hope this is metaphoric!)
7 Build a nest egg
8 Take your parents out to dinner
9 Date a twenty-five year old, one last time
10 Put a lid on it
11 Karaoke
12 Host (as in houseguests)
13 Scuba Dive
14 Document your life
15 Stop the tchotchkes
16 Serve on a jury
17 Play poker
18 Musically upgrade
19 Yell at someone
20 Remove it (referring to excess hair)
21 Lose the snooze
22 Pierce something other than your ear
23 Strain your brain
24 Rent the classics
25 Pay off credit card debt
26 Think outside the box
27 Do something romantically cheesy
28 Drop $50 on a bottle of wine
29 Date a musician
30 Drive cross-country
31 Control the future of your face
32 Say NO
33 Ride a Harley
34 Accentuate the positive
35 Say yes to bubbles (create reasons to celebrate)
36 Redistribute the wealth
37 Unsubscribe
38 Confront bullies, racists and homophobes
39 Supply your own power (chicks, learn to work your own VCR!)
40 Sculpt yourself
41 Teach a class
42 Have a kid if you want one
43 Go to Paris
44 Reunite (with old friends)
45 Be your own Schneider (learn to work the toolbox in the bottom of your cabinet!)
46 Give a really great toast
47 Buy a piece of real art
48 Take a stand
49 Master a mass-transite system, but know how to hail a taxi
50 Cut someone loose
51 Vibrate
52 Enact a two-drink maximum
53 Play an instrument
54 Make a new friend each year
55 Smell good
56 Dump the Gap
57 Boycott February 14
58 Take a sabbatical
59 Go fishing
60 Fill up your jewelry box
61 Kiss the frogs
62 Play matchmaker
63 Be a boss
64 Purge (things, not food!)
65 Break your own record
66 Quit smoking
67 Sign each book you've read
68 Ask a friend for help
69 Drive a car that costs more than $50,000
70 Show gratitude
71 Expose the wizard (visit a talk show or movie set)
72 Take a mental health day
73 Discover your superpower
74 Go to a movie alone
75 Root, root, root (for the home team)
76 Instead of a stage name, pick a "stage age"
77 Lose gracefully
78 Surprise someone
79 Ride in a limo
80 Hang up your binoculars (sit front row!!)
81 Let the spirit move you
82 Sleep under the stars
83 Give something back
84 Habla sie Francais?
85 Throw out any T-shirts with logos on them
86 Ride a roller coaster
87 Have a male friend
88 Ditch your college furniture
89 Name something
90 Divorce your hairstylist or at least cheat
91 Get someone else to love your favorite movie
92 Take the long way home
93 Learn to tango
94 Go somewhere that makes people scratch their heads
95 Charm your way into (or out of ) something
96 Figure out what you want to be when you grow up
97 Colorize
98 Never show up empty-handed
99 Bring something back to life
100 Retreat
101 Accept that forty is the new thirty

Note: This list was taken from the book "101 Things To Do Before You Turn 40" by Kristin McCracken. I've signed my copy and do plan to pass it on at some point!

Who's the #1 Stunna?

2005-09-22T12:37:00.000-04:00

So, one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world and I constantly get to talking about things that are going to happen in our future lives and the one topic that always comes up is our future respective weddings. Yeah, yeah, yeah... we know we need to date first. But whatever.

Anyway, she has this overwhelming desire to be introduced at the reception and come out to, ...wait for it..., "#1 Stunna" by Mannie Fresh (I think!). Anybody who knows me knows that I so cannot condone this behavior. Call me all prim and proper if you want, but I just couldn't co-sign on this being the first song played after she and her new husband are introduced for the first time anywhere.

So, I agreed to take a poll. You see, we take an outside poll on everything we disagree about. So, I ask you. Can she come out to "#1 Stunna" cuz at the end of the day it's her wedding? Or do I let her know that she is a beautiful, educated, self-respecting black woman and that song is so not how she wants to represent the beginning of her marriage?

So far I've got 2 votes for HELL.TO.THE.NAW!! Including mine!

Whaddayathink?

F.A.T.

2005-09-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

Fabulous.And.Thick.
I want to own that word. Not give it the negative connotation it's held over me for 28 years. Right now, it ain't working.

Lately, for some odd reason, I've been kind of body obsessed.

A little background - I've been a big girl my whole life. And I do mean my whole life. I was the baby with those chubby cheeks that everybody wanted to pinch (still have them - thanks DAD!). I was always the fat girl in class. It bothered me when I was younger because what little kid wants to be teased. But I slowly grew out of that and learned to love me for who I am. All 40+BMI of me (you didn't really think you were going to get my actual weight did ya?). It's not really helping that I'm reading a book that's supposed to keep it real about black women and body image. I had to skip one entire chapter because it tried to correllate obesity with sexual abuse. It gave me a headache.

I'm not sure I have an excuse for constantly gaining weight. I like to eat. I hate to exercise. You need reasoning - there it is. But as I slowly start to approach the big 3-0, I have to start to seriously be concerned about my weight and my health. Not to mention, I have not been looking like my fabulous self in photos and that's a scary thing.

I've gained the reputation as a "diva" of sorts. People expect me to look and act absoulute FABULOUS. I expect me to maintain that reputation. But I just don't feel it. I look in the mirror and I don't see it. I'm not sure if my self doubt shows on the outside but I sho nuff feel it on the inside.

There are only 2 times I've lost weight in my life. The first was when I pledged and the second was my half-hearted attempt at Weight Watchers. It can be done. The question is can I do it?

I'm Tired and I'm Speechless

2005-09-07T12:12:00.000-04:00

And I think that probably describes a whole lotta folks. Everything going on around us. What's there left for me to say that hasn't already been said. I'll tell you this though. Guess who's having the best week ever... none other than George.fucking.W.Bush. I'm not calling him president. I didn't vote for his stupid ass. But he's chillin'. Voted in a second term, and we're stuck with his dumb ass for 4 more years indeed. He doesn't give a shit, never did, but now he can be real with his. First, he shows his blatant disregard for black and disenfranchised. Might as well have gone on national television and said up yours. No regard for human life. Compassionate administration my ass. Everytime he opens his mouth, he gives me a fucking headache. And I'm not going to even talk about Condi.fucking.Rice.

But while we're all already pissed the fuck off, am I the only one confused as to how his nominee for the new justice for the Supreme Court, John Roberts, who was supposed to be replacing the retired Sandra Day O'Connor, has now been bumped up to being nominated for CHIEF.FUCKING.JUSTICE. What the the hell did I miss? Don't you have to pay some kind of dues and earn the position. He thinks we're not watching and not paying attention because of the bullshit happening down south. I see you buddy. There's jack shit I can do about it but I see you.

Kanye for President (ya'll know why). Ray Nagin for Vice President (okay, not really. He needs to be held accountable for his lack of preparedness too, but at least he called the feds out on their bullshit!) Re-elect Hilary Clinton. She was on Good Morning America this morning speaking my thoughts. How in the hell is the investigation into the delay in aid for the Gulf Coast going to be led by George.fucking.W.Bush?!?!?!?!?!?!? Who's going to hold his punk ass accountable for this crap? What happened the checks and balances they taught in 7th grade social studies?

I'm tired, and I'm speechless. And I don't have much more to say.

Potpourri for $200, Alex!

2005-08-30T13:20:00.000-04:00

I've got so much going on inside my head, I'm not sure what I want to blog about.

I called Ohio (just in case you've been waiting with baited breath wondering what I decided to do!). We had a nice how have you been conversation. For an hour and a half, I avoided the when I'm a going to see you conversation. Eventually, we agreed to a walk in the park. Which we took. Being with him and around him is such a natural feeling. I hate it! So we talked and just enjoyed each other's company. And the temptation was there to invite him back to my house. I mean it was really there. My mind, body and soul were not in sync at all. Damn R. Kelly cuz my body was calling indeed! I wanted to say it. He wanted to say it. But we both punked out. So off he went uptown to play in a b-ball tournament. And home, alone, I went to enjoy the Jets-Giants game. Didn't even watch it. But my Jets lost and it sounded like a good game. All I did was take a cold ass shower and watch Law and Order reruns.

While talking to Ohio, I finally, out loud, admitted that I miss my grandma. I think about her every single day. Had her in my life for 27 and a half years and feel like there's so much I didn't know and now it's too late. I know she and popee are together now in a better place. No pain or bullcrap to deal with. But I miss them. A lot.

We talked about our insecurities. He's got some. I've got some. I don't like admitting that. When I was younger, everything was an insecurity. There was nothing about me that I liked. But I grew into my fabulousness and I don't want to lose it.

Hung out with sorors this weekend. Went with Toya and some friends to a bar on Saturday night. We had a good time. Those girls are a trip. Whenever I hang with them I have to be ready to get loose. Nice mixed crowd. But it is really starting to irk me to watch the black men walk past the black women to dance with melanin-deficient chicks with no damn rhythm.

Went to the NYCBGLO picnic on Sunday. I feel like a big dork cuz I look forward to this event every year. Don't know why. But I always have a ball. This year, got my ass spanked in spades. Lack of sleep and food contributed to that. Eventually I'm going to have to somehow get a rematch happening. Had to leave before we took the greek love picture. I love to be around all my greek sisters and brothers when it's all positive.

Now, I'm just sitting at work waiting for a week full of training sessions. Training that I VOLUNTEERED to go through. Not sure what I was thinking. Why would I want to sit in training rather than at my new desk in my new office with a view of West End? I'm a glutton for punishment. But I should walk away enlightened.

A long ass post about nothing in particular. Just feeling the need to speak without having anything to really say.

Can You Spare Some Change?

2005-08-24T13:07:00.000-04:00

So the weirdest thing happened to me on the subway the other day.

I am an avid rider of the New York City subway system. I've been riding the trains alone since at least high school. My train of choice: the A train. It takes me everywhere I need to go and practically drops me off in front of my house. That train is one after my own heart. Okay, enought of my love affair with the A train.

On my way home Thursday night, a homeless guy boards my car with the usual homeless guy shpiel: "Good evening ladies and gentleman. My name is Aubrey and I'm homeless. I'm out tonight trying to collect money so I could feed myself and my wife." And so on and so on. I look up from my book just to make a visual note of said homeless guy to see if he's crazy. Strange thing, he looks vaguely familiar. I chalk it up to having seen homeless guys beg for money since my days of elementary school field trips.

Come Saturday, I'm on the A train to go in to the city to meet Toe and Tash and go see Wedding Crashers (again!). As the train pulls into Chambers Street, I see familiar homeless guy get on the train and proceed to give the same speech he did just 2 days prior. This time I took a good look at him. And his speech changed slightly. He threw in some jokes about credit cards for good measure. That's when it hit me: I used to hang out with this guy in high school.

We weren't close friends or anything. He was like a friend of a friend. But we used to act a fool around the city after Saturday band practice. The funny thing is he wasn't in the band. He would just meet us after practice and we would proceed to be unruly urban teenagers. The kind of kids that now get on my last nerve. But I digress. It was such a strange thing to see someone I knew in that kind of predicament. I was going to approach him and ask if he remembered me but I didn't. One, because I figured it might be embarassing for him to run into someone who knew him. And two, as a cardinal rule, I do not give out money on the train. I might give some fruit if I've got some on me. But no cash. I guess I didn't want to feel uncomfortable talking to him but not willing to give to his cause.

There was once a homeless guy begging for money on my beloved A train. When I got off at my stop, I saw him in the pizza shop. I figured my good deed for that day would be to offer the man a slice of pizza. He not so subtly informed me that he would prefer the cash to the pizza.

I hope Aubrey was able to feed his wife. And I said a little prayer for him after he got off the train.

I'm being tested

2005-08-21T00:48:00.000-04:00

It's funny how things happen in your life and you just feel the need to blog about it.

Tonite, Ohio left me a voicemail. Yes the same Ohio who had just flown in and wanted to come over. For me, a voicemail is so much harder to ignore than a text message. Maybe he thinks that I didn't get it. Or maybe he thinks I'm weak enough to forget about the text and allow him back in my life. Maybe I am. That's why on a Saturday night, I'm blogging about him. To try to convince myself that I am not a weak woman. I'm a strong, independent, self-sufficient black woman. I don't need him. But I want him. And that's what's so dangerous about calling him back. He's always known exactly what to say to make me melt. Make me give in to him. There's no future for us. There's also no one in my life that I could turn to in lieu of him. Am I really the kind of woman who needs someone in her life constantly? I don't think so. But I miss companionship. I miss a warm body in my bed. I actually miss the midnight phone calls.

I'm so sick of feeling alone. And it's this kind of feeling that makes me want to pick up the phone and call him. I won't do it tonite. I'd just be playing myself. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow.

I was on IM with NA and I told her that maybe I'd call him tomorrow but I wouldn't be in the house so if he asked to come over, my excuse could easily be that I'm not home. And I wouldn't be.

Why is this so hard? Do I need an Ohio detox program. Why does this man have such a hold over me?

I can't answer it. So I'm going to try to go to sleep. Or I'll do housework until I can't keep my eyes open. And I should probably stop listening to this damn Raheem DeVaughn CD.

Bye Bye Mastercard

2005-08-12T15:18:00.000-04:00

Ok. So it's 1 card out of like 10. But I'm slowly making strides to being more financially healthy.

Ten years ago when I got my first credit card, which happened to be a Mastercard ironically, I wasn't concerned about APR's and annual fees. All I knew was that I had access to somebody else's money. Of course, it came to haunt me a few years later.

But now. I'm a lot more financially aware. I know where my money goes. And right now, it's not going where I want it. I'm paying Visa and Visa and Visa and Visa and Mastercard and Mastercard. Well minus one Mastercard. Called those mothersuckers this morning, 9am on the dot, and said cancel that sucker. Of course they tried to keep me around. Tried to lower my APR TWICE. But I wasn't having it. If 6 months ago when I was trying to lower my interest rates and making paying off my bills happen, they had cooperated, maybe we wouldn't be parting company now. But they said I didn't qualify. So, you don't qualify to be in my wallet.

I'm slowly learning to play this money game. I've got 3 and a half years to be ready to own something. That's my self-imposed ownership goal. I can't see myself paying someone else's mortgage for life.

Now, if I could just get rid of Macy's, Lane Bryant, Avenue and Victoria's Secret. That goal seemed unattainable a year ago. I finally caught a glimpse of the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Da Truth

2005-08-10T08:30:00.000-04:00

My mom is the best

and

Raheem DeVaughn's new album

Thank You.

I've Got a Hangover

2005-08-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

My weekend was reserved by the Ques. In a misguided attempt to reconnect with a friend of mine, I decided to participate in Omega weekend since I knew she was going to roll. A boat ride on Friday and what was being deemed as the "final Drip" on Saturday. What was I thinking?

It's not that I had a bad time. It's not that I had a good time. I just had a time. The boatride was okay. The aforementioned Que was there. This was either going to be a blessing or a curse. It turned out to be the latter. I wasn't feeling extremely partyish considering I hadn't really eaten much that day and because the boatride was supposed to start boarding at 7:30, I didn't have time for dinner. Mind you, the boat actually boarded more like 8:15ish and we didn't set sail until almost 9:30. There was a buffet provided except by the time we made it to the front of the line, there was nothing left but pasta salad. So I ate my pasta, tried not to be queasy from the rocking back and forth of the boat and enjoy myself. Then it happened. I see the Que on the dance floor. Not a big deal, even though he claims not to dance much. But then I see who he's dancing with. I don't know her from atom. But she's not nearly as fly as I am. Talk about a blow to my ego. And immediately I want off this boat. But there's no swimming to shore in the Hudson. So I'm stuck. And this sucks. I tried to concentrate on something else, someone else. Couldn't peel my eyes away from him though. Later in the evening, he finally got around to asking me to dance but the damage had been done. But if nothing else, I am sho nuff the queen of denial. So I acted like everything was cool and danced with him until the end of the night. No harm, no foul.

Then my friend who I was attempting to reconnect with (and that's a long, boring story) left me to go to the afterparty. No, she literally left me. On the West Side Highway with $6 in my pocket and no easy way to get home. Thank goodness, me and my self sufficient self had my ATM and Metrocard on me. I have fewer and fewer friends each year because people don't treat me the way I treat them. None reciprocal relationships. Ha!

So all day Saturday, I'm contemplating if I really want to go to the Drip. My tickets already paid for, I don't have any alternative plans and my roll dog is off in Vegas living it up (I hope!). So after much soul searching, I decide to go. What did I do that for? I spent the entire night, and I do mean the entire night, at the bar. I got smashed. I mean completely wasted. So much so, that I thought it would be a good idea to go talk to the Que about how and why he's pissed me off. No mention of the less-attractive-than-me girl, who happened to also be at the party. Not sure if that was an embarassing moment or not. Won't know that for a while.

Fast forward to Sunday morning and for the first time in my life, I've got a hangover. Complete with my 2 hour worship of the porcelain god. It's a feeling I don't like and don't care to ever have again.

But I got to spend a nice quiet Sunday at home, nursing my hangover. I was back to my normal self again just in time to watch the series finally of Queer As Folk. Before you ask, no, I am not a lesbian. I just enjoy a good drama. And QAF provided just that for the last 5 years. I'm sad to see it go. But it went out respectfully and that's all you can ask when one of your favorite shows gets cancelled. Now I can cancel Showtime (again!) and use that money to pay a bill.

Well, it took me almost 5 hours to write this blog. I've got 45 minutes before I'm freed from the plantation.

M.I.A.

2005-08-01T12:33:00.000-04:00

I know... I suck.

What can I tell ya? I don't know why I've been neglecting my blog. It's not like I've been away from the computer or anything. It's not for a lack of things to say. I've just been lazy. Story of my life.

I've been meaning at the very least to give my first blog shout out to Tanesha. I innocently inquired about why she hadn't been blogging lately. So she did, and gave me the cutest shout out. And I've gotten my first comment - thanks Max.

As for life, I'm living it. Since I last blogged, three of my sorors celebrated birthdays. Two of them turned 30. They've got me all excited about when I turn 30. All I've gotta do is make it out of my twenties in one piece! One of them celebrated with the most awesome trip to Puerto Rico (Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!).

I can't begin to describe how much fun I had in PR. That trip couldn't have come at a better time for me. The plantation was driving me crazy and I was two seconds from telling the man to kiss my patooty! But this trip was everything and everything I wanted in a mere 4 days. We're already planning a return trip to see everything we missed the first time around.

The other 30 celebrated with a fantabulous party at a midtown loft. My first loft party. How excited was I. After squeezing myself into my new dress (and oh did I squeeze!), I headed out to what I'd deemed "the wedding reception without the wedding!" complete with invitations and official RSVP cards. J really did it up big. It was good to see a lot of people from my Flying Dutch days. The only drink the bartendar was making was the Tequila Sunrise. Not exactly my drink of choice but I made it happen. Didn't get tipsy (dangit) but there's still 6 weeks left in summer for me to make that happen.

The last birthday girl who joined me at the illustrious age of 28 celebrated with dinner and dancing at Negril in the Village. I'd been wanting to have dinner at Negril for ages so even though it was her birthday, it was a treat for me. Good food, good company, wack afterparty.

Sunday, I helped usher the family into the new millenium by hooking them up with email addresses. I know, it's 2005. And while I've lived with email and internet for the last 10 years, my mom is still trying to figure out the difference between ISP and http. We've got a long way to go. But she got her first email messages yesterday from my cousin and my aunt, so she was pretty excited. She's not quite sure where to go from here. But at least she's got somewhere to go!

I'll try not to be so neglectful of my blog. But sometimes, I'm so busy reading other people's that I forget that I've got one of my own.

Just flew in, and i wanna come over...

2005-07-11T11:29:00.000-04:00

That would be the text message that greeted me when i awoke to a wonderful and warm Sunday morning. From whom was it sent? None other than Ohio. Ohio, whom I haven't spoken to since December 21, 2004. I remember that date so well because it was the day after I lost my grandmother and I'd called him for some emotion support. His response - "Let me call you back." Six months later, he just flew in and wants to come over. Date stamp on aforementioned text message - 3:14am. Somehow, I don't think he wants to come over to catch up on the last six months of my life.

I think I'm finally growing up. Because six months ago, I would've been excited to wake up and know that Ohio was thinking about me. But now, I'm 28 and life is just too short to allow people to come into your life with utter bullshit. It breaks my heart really because I really loved that boy. Thought about him constantly. Was willing to do anything for him without having a guarantee that he would do the same for me in return. Five years after I let him into my life, I'm no longer willing to give him a piece of me. Not even if it would make me feel good (physically that is!).

I battled all day yesterday with if and how to respond to this message. In the end, I decided that letting him know how much this message destroyed whatever "friendship" we may have had left was just not worth the hassle. Besides, why should I pay 10 cents to text message him letting him know that I think he's full of shit. My silence should send that message loud and clear.

I still miss him a little. Not like when we first hooked up. I'm curious what he's been up to and I just kind of miss him. But I know two things: 1)There's no future for us and 2)He will/can never treat me like I deserve to be treated. And knowing it, and finally accepting it, allows me to laugh at his message and keep it moving.

I have a "Sands-In-Law"!!

2005-06-27T13:32:00.000-04:00

You're not quite sure what that means! Well, to put it simply, on Saturday, my linesister married her college sweetheart.

I've been to many a wedding in the last couple of years but I've never been quite as moved as I was by this one. Z and Big have one of those love stories that give you hope. They've been through it all and then some. I truly felt like my sister was getting married. I even shed a couple of tears! I don't cry at weddings. They're a time of celebration.

I learned a few things:

1) No outdoor wedding in June!
The time I spent putting together my hair and makeup making sure I was looking my absolute best was literally melted away by the sweltering heat. The location was picturesque. At the lake behind Coral House. The ducks wading in the water. Everything was white and looked so pure and delicate. And I felt like a wet dog I was sweating so much. So, repeat it with me now, NO OUTDOOR WEDDING IN JUNE!!!

2)Plan everything late so I can be on time!!!
I was supposed to read the scripture during the ceremony. But I think things ran a little late because the minister zipped through the ceremony. So it seemed like the ceremony went like this: bridal processional, prayer, vows, rings, kiss! Kind of like Extreme Wedding! And although I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to take part in the ceremony, my name is still in the program, so I can always pretend it happened!

3)There will be a limit to how long someone can speak.
With the exception of the parents of the couple, the maid/matron of honor and the best man, no one should be allowed to speak for more than 2 minutes. One young woman, who shall remain nameless because truth be told, I only know her through stories, got on the mic and went on and on about children today need Jesus and so on and so forth. While I do agree, what did that have to do with how much love you had for the bride and groom. Her tirade lasted longer that our sorority sweetheart ceremony. I literally saw folks falling asleep while she spoke. Which brings me to #4.

4)You only get to speak on the mic if this speech has been cleared by myself, my hubby-to-be or the wedding coordinator (who will answer to me!).
After Miss-15 minute-Tirade, a former member of the Dirty Dutch (those who know, know) gets on the mic to big up the old football team. Dude, we are 5, 6, 7 years removed from being undergrads. Get over it!!

Notes 1-4 aside, my sands made a beautiful bride and Big made an equally handsome groom. Just because I haven't fallen in love yet doesn't mean I've given up on it. They, along with Em and Jason, give me hope for a lovable future. Cheers! I've got in-laws!

I'm Not as Nerdy as I Thought!!! Yippee!!!

2005-06-22T15:09:00.000-04:00

I took this quiz cuz, hey, I've started the 50 minute countdown to when I can blow this popsicle stand. Apparently, I'm kinda cool. Think the results would've been different had I taken this test 10 years ago though...

...but I don't despise nerds. I kinda wish I was as smart. I'd certainly make more money!!!

When Can I Retire?

2005-06-21T16:10:00.000-04:00

Not much going on today.

A little tension at work. But hey. I am so tired of being people's doormats. Taking blame for shit that's not my fault in order to keep the peace. I'm not doing it. So now, the boss' assistant isn't speaking to me. I guess she's gotta do what she's gotta do. But I'm not going to own something that's not mine. I'd share the blame. But you're not going to say I gave you misinformation in front of my boss' office to my supervisor and think that it's okay.

Just another reason and a half why it's time for me to move on.

And quickly...

And he wonders why I call him a Bastard!

2005-06-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

It's so funny how when something happens, you can't wait to blog about it. Put it down so the good feeling feels kinda permanent. Then something comes along and just ruins your fucking day. That thing would be better know as my brother, V.

For all intents and purposes, I had given up hope for V. He's about to be 20 years old, is still working on his GED and for the first time, has what is known as a full time job. We have spoken every day since he started said job on Thursday. I've never been more excited for him, proud of him and not ready to erase him from my existence.

Then today hit. Apparently he wanted to purchase a dog tag with a picture of my deceased cousin on it. Nothing wrong with that. Except he's never even met her. Young Kayla was only on this earth for 11 months. She spent most of it in a Ronald McDonald House trying to cope with what ailed her poor little body. While I understand wanting to honor family that's passed on (V for some reason wants to adorn his body with this), this fool went to my mother's place of employment and proceeded to have a child-like tantrum because my mom didn't want to leave to go home, get a picture of Kayla, give him $35 for an unnecessary piece of jewelry and then go back to her hell hole of a job.

My mom is 2 years from a well deserved and well earned retirement. This selfish bastard has the audacity to fuck her shit up because of a fucking dog tag! This is why I claim to be an only child. Don't get me wrong, I have my selfish moments. I think mom spoiled us beyond belief. But after awhile, I realized that I only want her to be happy now. She raised me, provided for me and sacrificed a hell of a lot for me to be where I am. I just don't understand why my brother is such a dick. And now, mom is going to stay at work and wait for me to run my after work errands so that I can escort her home because one only knows what kind of a hissy fit that motherfucker is going to have when she walks into the house. Shit, I hope she still has a job when I meet up with her later.

My mom has always talked about our purchasing a mother/daughter house. For reasons I'm sure will come out later, I don't want to do that. But I worry about her with him. This is the V of yesterday. I know nobody grows up overnight, but that negro sho' nuff had me fooled.

So tonight instead of going home and watching Law & Order and getting my clothes together to possibly do laundry at 5am, I'm going to spend time at my mom's making sure she and brother don't kill each other. The selfish side of me thinks this sucks. But the woman that my mother raised me to be knows that I have to be there for her through all of the bullshit. And push come to shove, if he wants to show his ass, I have no problem dialing 911 on his stupid ass.

I'll blog about what a wonderful movie Crash was another time.

2005-06-19T11:02:00.000-04:00

Can I just say how much I love hanging out with my sorors. They are some of the most down to earth women I've ever met. When we've got chapter drama it's because of business. But when we're just chilling, it's all love.

A few of us went out to Restaurant Gia on Lafayette St. The beauty of hanging close to home! Since I had just come from BBQ's with Toe, I decided to just have a drink or two. Maybe that wasn't the best of ideas. I had one of their Summer Passion drinks (at least that's what I think it was called). Very tropical. Nice and sweet - right up my alley. Somehow that drink went straight to my head. But I insisted on having a white wine next. When it was time to go, the room was slightly spinning.

So I come home slightly drunk. After I got out of the car, I couldn't quite walk straight. I was wondering how someone can get behind the wheel in that condition and think they're ok. I wasn't sure I was going to make it to my bed in one piece. But I got in, sat down for a minute to try to get my bearings and turn on the radio. Z100 was jammin, like I was in the club, so I tried to see if I could dance off this impending hangover. Unfortunately, one too many times leaning into the wall was enough for me to attempt to make my bed, which I neglected to do in the morning, and climb in for what should be a very peaceful sleep. But then the reggae station was jammin too so I listened for awhile. Granted I was in bed with my eyes closed but I was jammin.

I've been a bit of a prude my whole life. Somehow, I've decided that 28 is a time to get all wild and crazy. Not too crazy though. I've still got an image to maintain.

May the Force be with you!

2005-06-18T13:02:00.000-04:00

I finally saw Episode III. Toe called me at work and asked if I was doing anything after work. I wasn't, except planning to go home and catch "Angel." So we agreed to go see the movie after I got off work. Of course, I ended up being a slave to the man for an extra hour since I took an extended lunch. It's cool though because lunch was a treat indeed.

Phil, my old boss from Hofstra, came in to the city from Long Island and we caught up and reminisced over Ollie's chinese food. I had the pepper steak with brown rice. Oh, how I'm going to miss chinese food, I think. More on that later.

Phil is like the coolest white dude on the planet. We met back in 1995 when I started working in The Career Center as a student aide. At the time, the office consisted of Phil, his boss Marvin, and their administrative assistant Marian. Then myself and a young lady named Eileen came on as student aides. I loved working in an office setting. And these three people, especially Phil and Marian were very accommodating. At the end of my first year, I sat down with Phil for a year-end evaluation type meeting. He asked how I liked the job and if I was coming back the following year. I did like the job, I just really hated the tedious shit. You know: holepunching, stapling, things like that. So Phil made me a promise that I would not have to do those things. My main job here on out would be data entry and customer service. And he kept to his word. I don't think I'll ever have a boss as accommadating as he was. Over the three years we worked together, we became friends. He told me about his life at home. His and his wife's desire to have children, even complained about his financial woes. He even supported me when I decided to pledge Sigma Gamma Rho. He'd feed me and let me catch up on sleep in his office. He's just an all around great guy.

Fast forward 10 years and the man still remembers my birthday and always calls to wish me a happy, happy. So we spent lunch catching up on the happenings at Hofstra. Who's in and who's out. How everybody hates the new president of the university and how apparently the law school is slowly taking over every aspect of university life. He talked about his job at another university and how he's working it but looking for something that pays a little more. And I talked about my job and how I'm working it but ready to move on.

It felt good to see him, especially since it's been almost 6 years. Last I saw him was briefly at my graduation. He no longer worked at the university but came throught to celebrate my getting my degree. He is a good friend. I wish the world was filled with more Phils!

Guess I'll blog about my excitement/disappointment with Episode III later...

Walking the Walk

2005-06-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

So, I finally did it!

I stopped being a punk and submitted my resume for a new job. What a relief. It only took like 4 weeks to do. I hope the job is still available. I haven't had to draft a resume and cover letter in almost 5 years. I think I was a little afraid. What if they actually want me? How am I going to give notice to my current job? I've never had to do that before. When it was time to move on it was time to move on. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

In other news, my normally good for nothing brother is finally making moves. He is getting his first job 1 month shy of his 20th birthday. I love my brother, really I do. But the strife that he has caused me and my mom really made me resent him for a long time. I hope this change in his lifestyle will finally force him to man up. I feel like a proud parent. And I kind of am. This is my baby brother and he is on his way to becoming a man. Once he gets that GED, nobody will be able to tell him anything. I'm so happy for him. I've just got to help him get his finances (oh my god! he's got finances!) in order. Make sure he doesn't spend his entire paycheck on an Ipod before he helps pay some bills. I can't wait to take this journey with him. I'll be as supportive as I can and help him with what he needs. It took him a long time to find his way and I don't want him to be discouraged by anything or anyone. Especially me.

Choosing Sides

2005-06-13T11:58:00.000-04:00

Ok. I'm going to try this again since my internet at home wanted to act a damn fool!

Saturday night I went to my linesister's bridal shower. It was good to see her. It's a been a lot longer than I care to admit. She was surprised, which is good. It was a bit of a surreal experience though. This was the first real meeting of her old life and her new life. Her old life being us, her sorors and college friends. Her new life being her church friends. There wasn't any reason why we shouldn't all get along. We're all there to celebrate Z's marriage. Yet, there was uneasy tension and some of the women acted very catty. Almost resentful of the fact that we were there and we were comfortable. It almost seemed like they were being territorial as if she had to choose: them or us. Knowing Z, she was totally oblivious to what was going on. And I'm glad that she was. Her shower and her upcoming marriage are reasons to celebrate and rejoice. But there are only so many facetious comments I'm going to sit through before I have to hem some chicks up in the bathroom.

I think what hurts more than anything is that some of these women are standing up for her. Something that I should be doing. I'm not salty because I can't be in her wedding. I'm upset that the women she chose to stand up for her are not doing right by her. She is my sister -- not by blood but by circumstance. I shared 9 weeks with her that no one else has or ever will. No one can understand or comprehend the love I have for her.

I would love for her new friends to openly accept that she had a life before she met them. And whether they like it or not, we'll be around for years to come.

I just can't shake him

2005-06-05T12:08:00.000-04:00

Early Morning

First off... why am I up right now. It's 9:08 and the last time I saw on the clock before I closed my eyes was 4:43. My body is playing cruel and unusual tricks on me. Yes, I wanted to get up early this morning. Need to try to right my wrong. I lost my homegirl's Costco card and now her mom needs and I've never gotten up the nerve to tell her that I lost it. Whats BabyGirl gonna do? Well, of course, I'm gonna take myself down to Costco, sign up for a membership that I'm not going to use and give it to her mom so she can shop this week. The things I get myself into.

Saturdays are Real Interesting

So yesterday I had a full day. Melanie and Jen's bridal shower finally came. Of course not everything went as planned. The majority of folk were late so Melanie rolled in and the surprise was in the decorations! She was excited though. I love her enthusiasm when it comes to hanging out with sorors. We knew it would be no thing to get her to come out. She loves Soror Nites Out! Meredith couldn't go pick up the cake because some trifling negro broke into her car. What's worse is she rolled up on the car while he was still in it. His dumb ass didn't get the opportunity to steal anything but did bash her window and cause her to spend $110 she wasn't planning to spend. Just looked through her pictures and CD's and ruined her day. I love my people but sometimes they act real niggerish. But on the upswing the girls loved their gifts even though everybody was wondering where the strippers were!

I stayed at Meka's house until after 1am knowing I was still trying to make an appearance at Pink Ice. And an appearance I made indeed. I get there at like 2:30 and somebody made some smart remark about being late than never. Man it's called I pre-purchased my ticket and wanted to shake my ass. I could've just stayed home. It's not like I didn't more than enough socialization for one night at Meka's. But I roll through the party looking for my people and who do I run into? The Que. That's how he will be referred to because I don't want to lend anymore credence to my inner feelings than I should. The amazing thing is that he was dancing. He never dances. Instead of finding my people which I did get chided for later, I danced with the Que for what seemed like at least a half hour. And they caught me and made fun of me the whole time! It felt good to see him but sucked at the same time. I will always wonder what could've been with him. Luckily for me, or maybe not, he's supposed to moving upstate in the middle of summer. So I won't have to run into him all over the city, dancing and flirting knowing full well nothing is going to happen. I blame myself, that a year later, nothing has ever popped off between us. But you know what, it is what it is. It's all about forward movement. I live and I learn. I gotta stop letting my mouth get me in trouble.

Why Her?

2005-05-31T23:29:00.000-04:00

I emailed C today. She's still in bad shape. Tomorrow would have been her 2 year anniversary with the now ex. What do I tell her? How do I let her know that everything will be okay when I've never been in her shoes? I try to be a good friend and just let her know I'm there for her. But I miss my friend. I want her back. I miss her bubliness and her sunshine. I want her to see past tomorrow. But her ex man sucks. And for today, in her mind all men are assholes. I don't have words to make her feel differently.

The Weekend Wasn't a Bust...

2005-05-31T15:44:00.000-04:00

It was a crazy weekend. I didn't go away, again. Gotta work on that for next year!

But I did go to my mom's co-workers wedding. Not sure how I got invited but I went. Partly because I absolutely love weddings and partly because Lisa is a really sweet person. I was happy she'd invited me. It started off a little on the ghetto side. Through no fault of her or her new husband. Apparently the catering hall wasn't quite ready to seat the wedding guests so we all sat out in the lobby. I hope she got a slight refund for that. So unprofessional. Note to self: do not use Fleur de Lis if I'm trying to impress folk! After a bit of a wait (try almost an hour and we were a half-hour later than the time on the invite!) we were seated in avery chilly reception hall in the back of the facility. It was nicely decorated but I was hungry and to have the food laid out in the back of the room while waiting for the ceremony to start was pure torture! But the ceremony was beautiful. Lisa was gorgeous and absolutely glowing. And her bridesmaids gave me hope in that each and every one of them were full-figured women! They looked good and they felt good and it showed. The only somewhat downside for me was in the ceremony, the maid of honor was supposed to read the scripture about love from 1 Corinthians (I know it well from Emily's wedding). But neither she nor the officiant had a bible handy. What kind of a clergyman (or woman in this case) doesn't carry a bible! But I digress. After the ceremony, we had one heck of a party. We ate plentifully and drank plentifully and nobody showed their ass. Even the children were well behaved. I'm still not having kids at my wedding but it was nice to see that some people still raise their kids right!

Sunday, I went to Toe's church. They were celebrating Hip-Hop Sunday (read: Youth Sunday). Her godmother had invited me from way back at the Mother's Day Brunch. So I had planned on getting up and travelling the hour and some change up to Spanish Harlem to attend church. I really should get back in touch with my religious self. But it's so hard to trust a church. I still believe the word but the politics of actual church I can live without. Anyway, her church did a wonderful job. The kids were really into the word and the performance. I even found myself paying attention to and agreeing with the sermon. I do have issues. Afterwards, there was a barbeque. We even did the electric and the cha-cha slide. I wouldn't mind going to Toe's church if it wasn't so far away. I already know everybody and feel comfortable there. I'm just scared of making that spiritual commitment again. Not really sure why. I just am.

Monday was dedicated to attempting to make my backyard usable. I am determined to have a BBQ this summer. But I hate to imagine the work that it's going to take to make it happen. But I'm going to do my best to be dedicated to making it happen. Now I'm back at work. Would love to be someplace else, anyplace else...

Everything that has a beginning...

2005-05-30T00:59:00.000-04:00

Well, it's official. I'm a blogger. Not quite sure why, not quite sure what I want to "blog" about. I just found myself reading someone else's blog and just being kind of fascinated by the idea of jotting down my thoughts. A journal, just a bit more convenient than writing every night.

More later...